i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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