Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
