True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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