part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
