Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
