i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
