one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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