I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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