dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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