Well douche your snatch and let's go!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
