When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
