dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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