my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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