i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
