Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The power of my boobs compel you
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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