No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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