Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
