Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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