I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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