all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
