sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
