I just pynch a tree in the face
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
