Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
