You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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