I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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