Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
