Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
