So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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