So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
