Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Found the puke drawer
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
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