I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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