Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
