I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
