i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
