there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
