the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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