i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
