I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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