i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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