You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
