the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
