normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
