I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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