you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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