I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
