Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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