dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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