just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
