dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
