I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
