I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
