I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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