I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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