just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
