just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
