i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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