Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
