Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
