If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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